What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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