I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
