Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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