Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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