he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
