Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize