I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
