After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
