I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
