last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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