Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
