Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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