:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
