Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
