apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
