Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is the high leading the old right now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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