I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
