my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
