She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
