I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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