I faked an abortion last night.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
