nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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