Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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