Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
