Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
