Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
