Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
