Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize