Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
