I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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