you would pick up someone in the library
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
