I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
