my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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