I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you never un-have a 4some
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
