Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
