If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
