My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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