had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
