Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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