This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
