after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
