Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
