Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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