I cannot find my penis.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
