would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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