i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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