he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
