I'm drive I can fine osifer
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
