why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
