i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
