youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Randomize