i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
