Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
