The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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