the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
