Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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