Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
