Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
