i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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