Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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