I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize