It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He passed out mid-signature
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
