i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize