He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I deserve this hangover.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
