Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
